So here it finally is(took really quite a great amount time, hm? the pictures used are not that new now anymore^^``): my new character sheet of Xarox aka Wolfshade. With showing my fursona in a more detailed way than before I also want to say a bit more about him... Wolfshade is not a RP character of mine, nor is he exactly what I call ”my inner wolf”. Wolfshade is more the symbiosis of my recent human body and the predator that I feel captured inside this human skin. He is me, I am him. I came to know my inner beast when I was just four years old....this was the first time I saw my wolf in my dreams. A huge black male with two different eye colors: his left eye was golden like the sun itself while his right one was of the pale color of ice, both seem to glow red....a weird thought, I know. I don`t really know why his eyes are different, because that is very untypical for wolves, but that is what I saw. In generall I sometimes think my wolf is not a “normal” one if this makes sense to anybody... A reason why I would never try to draw my inner wolf himself instead of Wolfshade is, that he is on the one hand holy to me and on the other hand I just won`t be able to do it. The feelings I had when looking at him could never ever be captured in a picture and with that whatever wolf I would draw, it just won`t be him. Instead there is Xarox...a kind of symbol representing him and me alike. Dallas one of my RP characters and in fact the char closest to myself also has the two different eyes that my inner wolf has and I may draw him...but that`s not the same, not at all...

After my first dream I knew the wolf resting inside me – connected to my soul becoming a part of myself. I never told this dream to my parents, nor will I tell details of it here(it is to private to share with just everybody), but I did tell them that I was no human anymore... They would have thought that it was just the normal game play of a child, but this feral aspect in me and the feelings I got through it never changed, nor will it ever change I guess. I began to growl, to woof and did other things human beings find very unnormal...following my inner instincts. I still do so, even if I have learned that sometimes its better to follow the path of my human body and to keep my inside more to myself and people – human or other - whom I can trust. I think that`s why I feel so comfortable when being with dogs. They are not wolf, but they are able to understand me just as my instincts enable me to understand them on a level I think most people won`t ever know. I find it often hard to understand why humans behave the way they do, why they don`t give a shit about important things on the one hand, but tend to make other things more complicated than they had to be on the other hand. Of course there are different things important to different people, but sometimes humans just act stupid. I think in different ways I guess, even if there are also parallels, some parts of the human way to see and live things will be a book with seven seals to me forever. I can understand it superficially but I can`t understand the feelings or the lack of it, that might lead to such behaviour, but I guess contrary most people won`t understand me either and also would consider me totally mad believing to have a wolfen soul... no offense, I know that it sounds not only strange but crazy.

The fact that my wolf is never totally away, always a part of me and my behaviour, just as my human side is always part there, is the reason why my Fursona has only wolfish forms and not for the most part humanoid ones, even if these forms in generell are influenced by werewolf the apocalypse, that itself has five forms for werewolves, two of these almost totally humanoid. The three forms of Xarox I also came to feel in my dreamshifts. The bodies that carried me when I was hunting, running, breathing my freedom. One can speculate of cause if the body I see and feel while I experience these shifts, would be the same if I wouldn`t know the game, I know...but in fact that doesn`t really matter to me...I just feel what I feel and I have to confess that I love it! They also resemble states of my mind and therefor of what I am at certain moments. As said Wolfshade or Xarox is me myself on a spiritual level and so he changes when my feelings change. His Lupus form- the pure wolf- is my softest side. Caring, a bit shy and alert it is very close to what a normal wolf is. This form embodies my tendency to hide from people, the need to keep my little freedom, the fear of being alone as well as being hassled. In some way I have a lack of ability to deal with people on a normal level and it happens very often that I don`t know how to behave...and therefore prefer avoiding people to not do something wrong, even if this reaction of mine is perhaps just the worst thing I could do...who would understand that a person to whom one was nice avoids contact to him? Yeah....you`re right when you call this wolf ill, but this is how I am....I`m not perfect nor are you....even if I try hard to evolve. But I have also a very caring side...I`m willing to do nearly everything(as long as I see a reason in it) for someone who makes his way to my heart. I also think I can call myself very loyal and I`m able to forgive a lot... The Hispo form is what I call the hunter. In this state of mind my aggression raises to extremes and the shifts into this form are the ones I experience the most intensive. I can be very hateful when in this form and it is this aggression that enables me in difficult situations to carry on and to fight no matter what. I guess this form also stands most for my “bad” sides...I connect most evil thoughts and lusts to it....and I can tell deep inside me I`m a very bad person I guess....worst thing I know this exactly and no: I don`t really like it cause it is no game, RP or show as being “evil” seems to be to most pseudo dark gothic girlies out there. I sometimes think that`s the reason why I am not totally what my soul feels like...besides the fact that “Werewolves” don`t exist in the real world(I`m talking about the ones you know from horror movies and the like) I often fear this side of me...a real beast that slumbers inside me waiting for its time....It is just an aspect of me and there are others too, that are much more friendly and yes: I can control it and hold it back...so you mustn`t be afraid (except when you REALLY anger me xP) The third one, my crinos Form, is closest to my human side, which I can`t deny to have, with its flaws and merits. I love shifts to that form, cause I gain most insights and “epiphanies” when being mentally in this state. I can feel my wolfs whole strength and I`m also able to show others a way they might walk and help out when they are in trouble...it`s the state that represents the well know aspect of “teacher” know for the wolf totem to me.... In some way I am multiple I fear...I can`t explain this changes on a scientific level other than with this.

I could describe these forms and therefor what I think my personality is more detailed but I don`t think of this to make much sense...Whoever would be worth to know more about me has the chance to get to know me better and to make his own picture of me. I am as every complex being just as most people are, more than what I ever could describe in a few sentences...even if I fear I gone already too far with what I told you. Most of you won`t understand, that`s totally clear to me...most will call me crazy and yes maybe this is just what I am...I can`t give a rational explanation to this...I just can tell what I feel, with the hope some might have the empathy, will and interest to learn a little more about me – a therian and other people who feel the same. I can`t speak for others though...this is just my personall view and experience.

The fact that I believe to have a wolf soul inside me and the feeling it gives me lead me to refer to myself as a werewolf. It`s totally clear in my mind that metamorphosis like the physical shift are impossible (even if some senses may sharpen heavily during a shift)and that my body is just what it is at the moment, but as an old proverb says: a true wolf is furred from the inside. As werewolf just means man-wolf and I guess this description fits me very well... So we come to Xarox appearance, or more why he looks the way he does. First the fur: Xarox pelt is mainly black, just as my hairs are(they are colored though) and as the fur of the canine I see as my inner wolf is. The red marking resemble different aspect of my real life body. Beneath my red main hair I have also a red strand in them, resembled by the red parts of Xarox back-fur. The red toe tipps resemble the little dark scars on my fingertipps that come from the need of blood sugar testing(hope this formulation is correct ~~).. The red parts on his hind legs resemble old wounds and scars my human body shows at that position. Of cause they are also there for visual reasons. I just love the combination of red and black, but as you can see it is not only for that reason. The greyish parts of Xarox body come from my inner wolf, who as a member of his species, has some of his body parts stressed by a lighter color than the main fur. While the piercings and the bandages are only there for visual reason, the wrist-chain and the collar, a unikat, are accessories I also wear real life. The red eyes have a special meaning to me, connected with some of my dreams, while the scars on Xarox left forearm are the ones I have also on my human body.

As you might have noticed that this “fursona” means a lot to me, what lies in the nature of the thing itself as I think. There are many people out there claiming themselves to have wolf souls...I can`t tell which of them say the truth and which may lie, but I can say that for me it is a fact that my soul is not (totally) human. I said I can`t judge if certain people are true to themselves and to the people around them, but I guess a lot of them are not. There are a lot of people just playing – and that for itself is nothing wrong- who want attention and therefor claim themselves being something they are certainly not. Can you really say you are a wolf inside if you in fact know nothing about these animals except human made stereotypes and myths? Most of them don`t even know what a wolf is....not really and these people I can only consider traitors: to themselves as well as to others. Of cause there is also the question if there is something like a feral soul inside any human being at all....maybe I am just crazy or mentally ill(personally I am quite sure I am ). And I guess in the way human beings think it is true that I am ill....but anyways: Even if there is no higher spirit behind it and it is only a consequence of chemical reactions within me: this is the way I am feeling...at last everything is just a chemical reaction, even these feelings, so why shouldn`t it be less real than the results of other reactions?

This is all I wanted to tell you...my thanks for your interest in it. I apologise for everything I may have to. So far ~a wolf